i miss these faces

high five, photobooth

teaching

my

students

about

was

fun.

overwhelming sacrifice

I've been on spring break for the past week, and it's been glorious. My days have been filled with "fresh" Beijing air, good food (including guacamole!!), dancing, laughter, and celebrating. It's been so nice to relax. To wake up and stay in my pj's all morning. To temporarily be free from teaching responsibilities. Temporarily. 

I started feeling the weight of work around Thursday. I have a new student who is starting on Monday, so I needed to get her desk and books in order before then. I went in to work for a few hours and was greeted by the piles on my desk of books that were left for planning and papers that were left for grading. Yikes. I did the logical thing and put off working on them until today. O Lord, break my procrastinating spirit!

I met up with my co-teacher to plan and quickly started to feel anxious. It's been a challenging year for us, and I think being off work has made me realize how consuming this year has been. I had a hard time refocusing and getting back into teacher mode. I took a short break from work then decided to go sit outside and grade papers in the sun. I had spent all day inside, and it would have been a waste of a beautiful weather day not to be outside. 

I was listening to music and a song from Bethel Live started playing that reminded me that tomorrow is Easter. I've busied myself with so much that my mind has been on other things. So sad.  The song starts with the line I will not forget the cross. But I do, more often than my sinful heart would care to admit. I fail on a daily basis to think of how blessed I am, that suffering, [He] traded blood for me. Wow. 

Even as I write this, the truth and power behind those words are still hitting me. Here I am, sitting on my bed thinking about my messy room that I should have cleaned weeks ago, and the unfinished lesson plans I need to work on tomorrow. Consumed by my unnecessary busyness. My sin. But somehow, despite my repetitive weakness, my pride, my selfishness, He saw me worthy of that sort of sacrifice. He freely gave His life for me knowing what kind of person I'd be. All for love. Praying that my heart (and yours) receives that today, and every day. 

Bethel Live- What Would I have Done

I will not forget the cross

The pain that You endured for us

Where you carried brokenness and shame

Never to forget the day

Your love broke through to make a way

For hope to rise within my heart again

Overwhelming sacrifice

You freely paid the highest price

Suffering You traded blood for me

My heart will sing the deepest praise

My lips rejoice my hands will raise

For the death that brought me into life

All for love

My Jesus You gave all for love

I am standing in the wonder of

Your great love

What would I have done

If it wasn't for Your love

The love that tore the veil inside my heart

What would I have done

If it wasn't for Your blood

The blood You gave for all on the cross

spring is here

Today (March 30) I am thankful for many things.  I took advantage of my first full day of spring break by sleeping in til 8am. Never thought I'd consider 8am as a "sleeping in" time. But now that I'm usually up and getting ready for the day before 5:30am, sleeping in has a whole new meaning. I am grateful for any day that doesn't involve waking up to an alarm clock :)

We had a beautiful blue sky day, which doesn't happen often. In honor of spring, the cherry blossoms are starting to bloom. I walk by this tree every day on my way to the bus, and today I was able to stop and enjoy it.

Avocados. A rare find in my part of Asia, but because God loves me He has sent them not only to China...not only to Beijing (which is where I would get them on the rare occasion that I was 1) in Beijing and 2) able to go to Jenny Lou's, an expat import store)...but to my own backyard. Yes, Yang Guang Yi Bai sells avocados. I went to my local grocery store this morning and bought three for 30rmb (~$5). And now I have two... :)

I've been reading a book, which is a big deal in itself since I'm not much of a reader. ha! A dear friend of mine here in Tianjin lent me her copy of Loneliness by Elisabeth Elliot. That EE is a wise woman. Her book has given me a new perspective on  my (third) season of serving in Asia and all the relational change that comes with it. A worthy investment in my day.

I leave for Beijing in the morning. A few friends and I are going up to see the sites: the Great Wall, Tiananmen Square, Forbidden City, Temple of Heaven....we'll see what else we get to. I'm going to enjoy being a tourist for the next few days.

What are you thankful for today? :)

what to say...

I had great plans for this blog. I wanted to write about my adventures in China, teaching at my new school, experiencing the culture. I had several posts that I started but never finished. I had many "Hey, I should blog about this!" moments, but never took the time to write about them. I even made a New Years resolution to blog once a week. So many good intentions, but good intentions don't always go very far :)

I have my reasons excuses for not writing: I'm too busy. I don't have a VPN on my work computer (the one that I use 99% of my time now). I don't always have good internet connection. I don't have time.

The truth is: Keeping up with a blog is hard (for me, at least). I'd rather sit and watch a movie than be creative with a blog post. It takes me a long time to figure out what I want to say and how I want to say it. And after I finally get that all figured out, I worry about if it sounds just right and what people will think when they read it.

If I'm being honest,  my biggest "truth" in not keeping up with my blog is that China has not been what I expected. I came here floating on my Asia-shaped cloud. I was so excited to finally be back in China! I thought that no matter how hard things got, my overwhelming love for China would overcome it all. The "honeymoon phase," as they call it, was where I planned to stay. Honestly, I didn't really know what other phases there could be. How could you not be happy in China?

And then the honeymoon ended. All of my fantastical expectations of what my life in China was going to be like started to break under reality. Surprisingly enough, I did not become fluent in Chinese after living here for three months. In fact, my motivation to learn the language fizzled pretty quickly after realizing how heavy my work load was (which is pretty heavy). I didn't (and still don't) wake up in love with China every day. The "community" didn't look the same as I imagined it would. My experiences in Seoul didn't prepare me for everything I would experience in Tianjin. This may sound silly or even foolish, but that's where my head and heart were a few months ago. It's humbling.

My China experience hasn't all been negative, though. I love that I have this opportunity to teach in China. I do enjoy the challenge of my job, and I love my 17 students. I get excited when I get to use the very limited Mandarin vocabulary that I have. I could eat mala tang every day and be happy. I've gotten to know some amazing people and have built meaningful relationships here in our expat community. I love laughing at those "only in China..." moments.

I have my good days and bad days. I'm learning a lot through the challenges of living overseas. God did some pruning and stretching in my life during my time in Seoul. I know that I grew over my two years there. But here, that pruning and refining is so much more intense. He's digging deeper, and it hurts. He's exposing more of my sin, and it's hard. I struggle. I fail. Trials test me and I fall short over and over again.

But I also have my moments of triumph. Every trial that I do overcome means that I'm less of myself and more like Him. I'm learning (over and over again) about His grace. I'm realizing how deeply and desperately I need it every day.  Every successful teaching day is "only by the grace of God." Getting through my "depression stage" of cultural adaptation was only by the grace of God. My ability to have patience and to show compassion both inside and outside my classroom (and even when I don't) is covered by His grace.

Learning. I'm still learning: to give up my expectations; to be "fully here" even when my heart doesn't want to be; to not miss those God moments; to fight back when the enemy tries to make me stumble; to enjoy my season in China; to rely on His strength and not my own; to live one day at a time.

I'm not sure if it's possible to catch everyone up on the past seven months of China-living that I've done. That would take a lot of effort that I just don't think I have or want to give. But I do want to do a better job of documenting my trials and triumphs and life lessons that I'm learning here. There's personal value in seeing Him work in the good and messy parts of my life, and hopefully He can use it to encourage others.

Thank goodness for His grace.

a few pics of my city

for those of you who don't have Facebook:

my apartment complex :)

my apt. building

view from my bedroom

Tianjin highway

Cantonese dish-- the bird on the left is pigeon

new roomies (Irene and Carrie) enjoying our delicious meal of fried lamb-stuffed egg rolls, cashew chicken, and garlic broccoli

fabric market

Tianjin taxi

TV Tower

settling

Tomorrow marks my one week of being in China. We've been so busy with shopping trips and other outings that it feels like I've been here longer. Not a bad thing, though. I love it here.

I know I'm still honeymoon-ing, and that I'm bound to have stress-filled days and bad-China days, but I'm so happy to be back in China. I don't think that will wear off :)

So what have I been up to this past week? Here's a rundown:

• met up with some of the returning staff for meals--we are being well taken care of!
• enjoyed some ah-mazing Chinese food...so good!!
• took a day trip to the IKEA in Beijing
• unpacked and (sort of) organized my room
• took a tour of TIS and got to peek in my classroom
• got my Korean fix by going to E-mart and had some not-the-best-but-good-enough bibimbap at a local restaurant
• had a roomie-day with Carrie and Irene, which included buying a DVD player, buying Nutella and Dr. Pepper at the Good Friend Store (an international mart), doing some kick-butt yoga, and watching Rocketman
• was asked to have my picture taken with a Chinese girl while shopping at Carrefour--I think they liked my curls. 

Tomorrow a group of us will be going to the fabric market. Should be a good time. I'm hoping to post some pictures this weekend so be on the lookout for those! 

oh the places you'll go

Chilling at the Seattle airport waiting for my connecting flight to Beijing. My adventure begins...

For those of you not in the loop, I'm on my way to Tianjin, China to teach third grade at an international school for the next two years (most likely more). I am so excited about and overwhelmed by this new season. So much uncertainty, but that's not always a bad thing. I know that He has some pretty big things in store these next few years. I'm excited to see how things unfold and to be able to share them with y'all. 

Unfortunately, given the country I'm going to, I won't be able to be as open about my work or faith as I was in Korea. Just a heads up that I'll need y'all to be sensitive about what you say to me as well, not only on here but through emails, Skype and Facebook. Please don't let that hinder you from asking questions or keeping up with me! I still plan on sharing as much of my life as I'm able, and I most definitely want to know what's going on with everyone back home--wherever home is and whatever continent you're on :) 

I can't make any promises that I'll be a better blogger than I was in Korea, but keep checking back for updates. Hopefully they won't be so few and far between. Until then.