what to say...

I had great plans for this blog. I wanted to write about my adventures in China, teaching at my new school, experiencing the culture. I had several posts that I started but never finished. I had many "Hey, I should blog about this!" moments, but never took the time to write about them. I even made a New Years resolution to blog once a week. So many good intentions, but good intentions don't always go very far :)

I have my reasons excuses for not writing: I'm too busy. I don't have a VPN on my work computer (the one that I use 99% of my time now). I don't always have good internet connection. I don't have time.

The truth is: Keeping up with a blog is hard (for me, at least). I'd rather sit and watch a movie than be creative with a blog post. It takes me a long time to figure out what I want to say and how I want to say it. And after I finally get that all figured out, I worry about if it sounds just right and what people will think when they read it.

If I'm being honest,  my biggest "truth" in not keeping up with my blog is that China has not been what I expected. I came here floating on my Asia-shaped cloud. I was so excited to finally be back in China! I thought that no matter how hard things got, my overwhelming love for China would overcome it all. The "honeymoon phase," as they call it, was where I planned to stay. Honestly, I didn't really know what other phases there could be. How could you not be happy in China?

And then the honeymoon ended. All of my fantastical expectations of what my life in China was going to be like started to break under reality. Surprisingly enough, I did not become fluent in Chinese after living here for three months. In fact, my motivation to learn the language fizzled pretty quickly after realizing how heavy my work load was (which is pretty heavy). I didn't (and still don't) wake up in love with China every day. The "community" didn't look the same as I imagined it would. My experiences in Seoul didn't prepare me for everything I would experience in Tianjin. This may sound silly or even foolish, but that's where my head and heart were a few months ago. It's humbling.

My China experience hasn't all been negative, though. I love that I have this opportunity to teach in China. I do enjoy the challenge of my job, and I love my 17 students. I get excited when I get to use the very limited Mandarin vocabulary that I have. I could eat mala tang every day and be happy. I've gotten to know some amazing people and have built meaningful relationships here in our expat community. I love laughing at those "only in China..." moments.

I have my good days and bad days. I'm learning a lot through the challenges of living overseas. God did some pruning and stretching in my life during my time in Seoul. I know that I grew over my two years there. But here, that pruning and refining is so much more intense. He's digging deeper, and it hurts. He's exposing more of my sin, and it's hard. I struggle. I fail. Trials test me and I fall short over and over again.

But I also have my moments of triumph. Every trial that I do overcome means that I'm less of myself and more like Him. I'm learning (over and over again) about His grace. I'm realizing how deeply and desperately I need it every day.  Every successful teaching day is "only by the grace of God." Getting through my "depression stage" of cultural adaptation was only by the grace of God. My ability to have patience and to show compassion both inside and outside my classroom (and even when I don't) is covered by His grace.

Learning. I'm still learning: to give up my expectations; to be "fully here" even when my heart doesn't want to be; to not miss those God moments; to fight back when the enemy tries to make me stumble; to enjoy my season in China; to rely on His strength and not my own; to live one day at a time.

I'm not sure if it's possible to catch everyone up on the past seven months of China-living that I've done. That would take a lot of effort that I just don't think I have or want to give. But I do want to do a better job of documenting my trials and triumphs and life lessons that I'm learning here. There's personal value in seeing Him work in the good and messy parts of my life, and hopefully He can use it to encourage others.

Thank goodness for His grace.